You can't have her, Otogi!
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: Discontinued. Honda fully intends to attack Otogi and Shizuka's relationship and take the girl for his own. The only problem is, all of his plans are backfiring on him! Humor!
1. Introducing Honda Hiroto!

DIS: I've always been a major supporter of Otogi/Shizuka, despite my dislike of Shizuka. I felt that it would make a funny story imagining Honda's attempts to foil their relationship.

X

_Title: You can't have her, Otogi!_

_Rating: T for mild language_

_Genre: Humor_

_Summary: Honda fully intends to attack Otogi and Shizuka's relationship and take the girl for his own. The only problem is, all of his plans are backfiring on him! Humor!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh_

_Notes/Warnings: Otogi/Shizuka; humor; _

X

_You can't have her, Otogi!_

_Introducing...HONDA HIROTO!_

The thing about Otogi Ryuuji is that he is a dirty little whore. Yes, I've said it. I remember when I first met him. Flicking his hair like he owned the world and batting his pretty green eyes...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BROWN EYES AND SHORT BROWN HAIR??

What's more, he was flaunting his money around like...like...LIKE HE OWNED THE WORLD! (Which, if it came down to him or Kaiba, Kaiba would TOTALLY own the world, so...Yeah...How do you them apples?)

Yes, I am Honda Hiroto and I am the best friend of the brother of the woman that I deserve! Hmm...That's a kind of complicated introduction now that I think of it.

Eh, whatever.

In any case, after all the drama of this and that and Otogi gave Shizuka his number –

SHE CALLED HIM!

I have her MY number but she never called ME! I bet it's because I have a more common eye color, isn't it? Or because I'm too old! She thinks I'm too old! DAMN YOU SHIZUKA KATSUYA!

...Wait a minute, Otogi's a year older than me.

Hehehe, then HE'S old.

Which means...

(OoO)

SHE LIKES OLDER MEN!!! NOOOOO! IT REALLY IS BECAUSE OF MY AGE! I'm too YOUNG for her! You know what? NO! It's not only because I'm young, it's because Otogi's richer. She's a gold digger! But a cute gold digger. Aw, who cares if she's a gold digger? She's so sweeeet and cuuuutte. (huggles picture of Shizuka) Ah...You gotta love her...

Hey...It just occurred to me...I'm talking to myself.

(o.o)

I wonder if women find that unattractive?

Hmm...

NAH! I AM TOTALLY THE MASTER OF ATTRACTIVENESS! (cackles and then shivers) Ew. That was a Bakura moment I had going on there. And that guy is icky. (ignores the glares from fan girls through his bedroom window)

But anyway.

I have developed an ingenious plan to make Shizuka love ME and not Otogi! I have the perfect plan to RUIN OTOGI RYUUJI and better yet, THIS plan, out of ALL of plans will not:

- Get me sent to the Shadow Realm

- Cause a stick to be shoved up my ass (I can't believe Marik actually went through with that threat...Ouch!)

- Have me beaten up by my best friend (Jou)

- Get me sent to the principal's office

OR!!!

- Cause me to look like a total and utter FOOL.

Hehehe...Yes, it is time that I undergo plan: BREAK OTOGI AND SHIZUKA UP!

DUN DUN DUN!

(cackles again, but this time doesn't stop)

X

DIS: YESSS, finally another humor fic! Granted, it probably won't last long and it is one of my more bizarre and pointless ones with one of the top dips as the main character, but I have good feelings with this one. (sigh) And I don't even have to write well with it, which makes everything all the less stressful. Please click that lonely button below and tell me if you like the beginning and any ideas are greatly appreciated. Ciao!


	2. Viva Viagra!

DIS: Hehehe, thank you to **journey maker**, **Midnight Chamber**, and **can't think** for reviewing. You have no idea how afraid I was that no one was going to read this, seeing as how I practically retired from this particular genre. In any case, here is the next chapter!

X

_Viva Viagra!_

Today is the day of triumph! I am the ultimate law!! (pause) Sheesh...I need to stop reading that Death Note manga. Frickin' Ratio is a PSYCHO!

According to my recent stalking record, Shizuka and Otogi have a date tonight at seven. First, they will go to the movies, and next, they will be going to a fancy-shmancy restaurant. Thankfully, I have a perfect plan to ruin their night! (sighs and smirks) I am, after all, a master of disguise.

BRIIING!

Aw, crap, I'm late for English again.

X

Well, I got my ass kicked by my dumb English teacher. It's all good, though! (wince) But my hands hurt from being whacked by a ruler so many times.

As I am bandaging my hands while the teacher lectures, I look around and notice that Freak Number One (Bakura) is copying me! Ha! I knew I was worthy of being copied. It's because of my kick ass hairdo, I bet. (nods and grins) Otogi might have cool hair, but so do I! It's like a weapon, man! Bakura pauses a bit after I do and glares at me before giving a demented grin.

(O.O) THAT GUY IS SO CREEPY!

Quickly turning from him, I shiver while feeling his evil gaze on me. He's probably planning on chopping a piece of my hair off and making a voodoo doll of me. (gasp) I CAN SEE IT NOW...

_Honda's Vision_

_Bakura cackled, making the voodoo doll jump around in air. Honda stood before him, doing the very same thing. He screamed and rolled around in the air. "Please, Bakura, stop, I'll do anything!" He sobbed._

"_You will be my sex slave, boy! Yes...I will conduct unspeakable acts on you!" He threw the voodoo doll down and ripped his clothes off. Honda let out a feminine shriek and was suddenly wearing a wig of curly brown hair and a negligee with cosmetics on._

"_Oh, no! Some save me!!" He threw his hand to his forehead dramatically as Bakura advanced upon him. _

"_It's time, my boy!" Bakura was then dressed in a leather outfit like the one the transvestite in The Rocky Horror Picture Show wore. He snapped a whip near Honda and Honda screamed girlishly. "Mwahahaha!"_

"_Eeeek!"_

_End_

(shudder) I can't let that happen to me. It's too much to bear! Maybe Shizuka would save me...

(pause)

(T.T) I keep forgetting that Shizuka is dating that idiot Otogi. He'll probably have her tied on a bed and raping her. HIM AND BAKURA WOULD BE IN CAHOOTS!! GRRR... Nasty bastards! I'll show them! I'll show them that Honda Hiroto is no one to mess with!!!

"HIROTO!" I flinched and peered up at my English teacher, my eyes round and frightened. The woman gave an evil grin and asked, "Did you do your homework last night?"

"N-no ma'am..." I muttered feebly.

"Time for more punishment," she screeched, smacking her ruler on the palm of her hand.

(O.O) NOOOO!!

X

7:00 PM

(whimpers) My hands...Oh, my poor, delicate hands. What hast thou done to thee?

I WILL NOT LOWER MYSELF TO SPEAKING LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET! God, that play was horrible to read. Only a PURE GENIUS could understand what the translations meant!

(crickets chirp)

(ahem) Well, I wonder where Otogi and Shizuka are? I've disguised myself ingeniously so that they wouldn't recognize me as the teller. Ugh, I had to knock the stupid guy out to get his clothes and everything... Anyway, instead of giving Otogi a ticket for what he asks for, I'm going to give him a ticket for...

THE BARBIE MOVIE! DUN DUN DUN!

Yes, when Shizuka sees how much of an idiot Otogi is, she will come running to me!! HAHAHAHA!

Oh, here he comes!

I beamed at him, glad that the oil I used to make my face black covered my features. I even wore a wig of blonde, straggly hair. He returned my smile uncertainly and then said, "Um, two student tickets for National Treasure." I gave him his total and after he paid, I gave him the two tickets for Barbie. He didn't even look at them, but went to Shizuka. I grinned and heard the short argument Otogi had with the man at the end who took the tickets. Ha! That's what you get, Otogi!

8:42 PM

It took an hour to get that oil off my face, but it was all worth it! I hid my face beneath a hat and pulled the collar of my trench coat up, waiting for Otogi and Shizuka to emerge. At last, they come out, Otogi looking sullen and Shizuka...HAPPY?? NOOO! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PLAN? IT WAS FOOL PROOF, DAMMIT, FOOL PROOF!

"Oh, Otogi," Shizuka was saying, "thank you so much for taking me to that Barbie movie! I've been wanting to see it ever since it came out in theaters! It was such a pleasant surprise. And you put up a good act of arguing with that man, saying you got the wrong tickets and everything." She sighed and leaned up and hugged him. "I love you." Now Otogi was happy, too...

DAMN, DAMN, and triple DAMN.

How did this happen?? Grrr...How was I supposed to know that Shizuka liked Barbie??

Oh, well, my next move can't possibly go against me!!

9:10 PM

Once again, I have put on a disguise. This time, I have disguised myself as a woman with thick blonde hair, thick lashes, and a lot of makeup! I stuffed a bra and put heels on. Luckily Jou always made me dress up like a girl when I was drunk or I would be stumbling all over the place. That chick I had to knock out was harder than the guy at the movies! Geez, women these days... They're too buff!

I was assigned Otogi and Shizuka's table, as I had expected, and now I get to send out some water! I ground up some Viagra pills and put some in Otogi's glass of water. Once Shizuka sees how horny he is, she'll be disgusted and slap him and run away. YESS!

"Oh, Miranda?" I blinked and turned, remembering that was the name of the girl I knocked out. "Can you help me over here?"

"Sure!" I called out in a high pitched voice.

9:15 PM

Okay, now that I showed that girl how to use the sink in the bathroom, I returned to my station and glanced at the three cups. I shrugged and drank from one of them, thirsty, putting the one with Viagra on the serving plate. I swayed out into the dining area and grinned at Otogi and Shizuka.

"Here you are," I chirped, putting the water with Viagra near Otogi and the normal one near Shizuka. "A waiter will be here shortly to take your order." I left and then waited anxiously as Otogi gulped down his water quickly while Shizuka sipped hers.

Hahahaha, Otogi, you are about to be ruined! Shizuka is mine! MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE!!

9:25 PM

I've been waiting here for ten minutes, but still nothing is happening. However, I am starting to get horny, but I don't know why. Well, when I stare at Shizuka's picture for a long time, I do tend to want to masturbate...Huh...

But I've been staring at OTOGI, not SHIZUKA.

OH, GOD, AM I GAY??

(pauses and thinks)

No, I'm definitely not. Now let me think... I turn away from the doors and cross my arms to think. I put the glass with Viagra on the left and...

(OO)

SHIT! I _DRANK_ THAT ONE!

Now, since I'm facing everyone and I'm wearing a TIGHT skirt, everyone can see what's in the skirt and they're looking pretty freaked out that something's poking out of a "woman's" skirt. AW, CRAP. HOW DID THIS PLAN BACKFIRE?? IT'S ALL OTOGI'S FAULT! I don't know how he's doing it, but he is!!

(OoO) OR...Or it's...

I whirl around and look through the door windows again and a few seats from Otogi and Shizuka is Ryou with his yami, Bakura. Bakura looks around in boredom and his eyes meet mine briefly through the window.

AWWWW!!!

He's doing it! He DID make a voodoo doll of me!!!

I'm being controlled by a psychotic yami that wants to rape me and do S&M!

I rip off my disguise, creating screams from the people in the kitchen, and I run out of the restaurant screaming. They think THEY'RE freaked out? I'M the one freaked out!!

X

DIS: There's a commercial where, instead of it going, "Viva Las Vegas," it's "Viva Viagra!" Just thought I would explain the chapter title. Please leave a review on your way out, it'd be much appreciated. Ciao!


	3. Voodoo!

DIS: Thanks to those that reviewed. (o.o) It's sad because, now that I actually have a humor fic out, no one is reading it and all because it's about Honda...Poor Honda...Hehehe, not really. Enjoy!

X

_Voodoo!_

Lonely...Oh, I'm Mr. Lonely...(sniffle) This closet really is lonely. Where is Otogi and Shizuka? I've been waiting in Yuugi's closet for who-knows-how-long because I was told by a very reliable source (Jounouchi) that Otogi was using Yuugi's place so that he could, um...have a romantic dinner. Yeah...

AND I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR THREE FRICKIN' HOURS!! WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?

"...but I didn't see Grandpa Mutou downstairs, Otogi. Are you sure it's okay if we're using..."

Oh, there they are! DUN DUN DUN DUN! Time to put mah plahn in ACTION! (does a tiny, quiet dance inside the closet and socks himself in the jaw)

(O.O)

(x.x) Ow...Ow that hurts, that hurts, that hurts! (holds jaw and clenches eyes tight)

"Oh, Otogi!"

(OO)

I ignore my jaw and rush to the slit in the closet to see what's going on. After all, that gasp of 'Oh, Otogi!' sounded a lot like Shizuka was in ultimate, orgasmic pleasure. I'M the only one allowed to make Shizuka sound like that! And only when I bang her! Because I _will_ bang her! And when I do...when I do...Well, I'm not that sure what will happen when I do, but something extraordinary will happen! Booyah! (does another little dance and socks himself in the jaw again) GODDAMMIT! WHY DO I KEEP DOING THAT??? (gnaws on his fist) Oh wait...Now WHAT was Shizuka gasping about?

I peer through and stifle a sound of disgust at the setting of candles that are lit everywhere around the room and the soft pillows on the floor with a blanket beneath them. Near the pillows is the low table with extravagant dishes that I'm guessing Otogi made himself. (The bastard!) There are two fancy, silver candlesticks with glowing candles in the middle of the table and a bottle of expensive champagne and two crystal wine glasses set near them.

I wonder where he put the box of condoms, the pervert.

Grr...HE'S GOING TO BANG HER AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE TO BANG HER!! (cries inwardly) This ain't no fair, dammit!

"Hic!"

(OoO'') OH NO!

"Otogi! What was that?" Shizuka gasps.

I clap my hands over my mouth, hoping to stifle the sound, but nope – it's still goin'.

"Hic! Hic! Hic!!"

DAMMIT. Of all the times to get hiccups, NOW I have to get them.

"Stay here, Shizuka, I'll see if there's any danger," Otogi cautions.

"Hic! Hic! Hic! Hic-hic-hic-hic-hic-hic!"

NOOOOOOO! Otogi will find out my ingenious plans and KILL MEEEEEE! (cries while I hiccup)

"Hic-sob-hic-sob!"

"Be careful, Otogi!" My love cries. HIM, be careful? I'M the one in danger here!

As I drop my hands to clasp in prayer, two other hands come up from behind me and grab my mouth, stifling my shriek of alarm. I am pulled back and THROUGH the wall into the room beside the closet.

And then I fainted.

X

"Wake up, you triangle-headed idiot."

Hey...Why does that voice sound familiar?

I quickly look around and see that I'm outside in the park. Damn! Now I'll have to take what's left over of Shizuka. (sniffs) I wanted to be the one to purge her of her virginity! Grr, stupid dice boy!

I look up, irritated, and then the colour drains from my face as I stare up at Bakura. He was smirking down at me with his arms crossed and looking – well, looking EVIL. I let out a horrified shriek and crawl back and then fall on my ass.

And he advanced upon me...LIKE A VAMPIRE!

"AWWW! PLEASE DON'T SUCK MY BLOOD! It...it doesn't have a lot of white blood cells anyway. That's why I always have to go to the doctor! The doctor says I'm dying, but I'm pretty sure I'm not." Pause. "In fact, I think it's Jou's fault that I don't have a lot of white blood cells. He's always PUNCHING me and giving me bloody noses and getting me scratched up so I bleed...That bastard! He's supposed to be my friend and he's trying to kill me!"

"(-.-)...WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?"

I flinch and stare up at Bakura with wide eyes. This guy seriously stalks me in my nightmares! I mean, it's clear he's into voodoo. LOOK AT HIS HAIR FOR RA'S SAKE!

(Pause)

NOOOO! He's controlling my thoughts, too! I'm Christian, not Egyptian! Well, okay, I'm NOT Christian, but I don't say Ra!!!

"Now," Bakura drawled, taking out a knife and poking the pointy part of it. "Why don't you tell me why you've been stalking me the past couple of days?"

"Uh..." ME? Stalking HIM? He's on crack!

"ANSWER OR DIE." He thrust the knife in my face, making me giving a tiny yelp.

"(OO) I haven't been stalking you! You've been stalking me!"

"(-.-) Right. And I guess you're going to say I'm a virgin, too?"

"(o.o) Um, well...Aren't you?"

He scoffs, "HA! Me? Have you ever seen a sexier man on this planet?" He flipped his hair back from his face and I face-faulted. Is this seriously the man that's pointing a knife at me? Is it seriously the guy who trapped my soul in a card, threatened to send me to the Shadow Realm, and a bazillion other evil things that is flaunting his looks around? (thinks) Yep, it is.

"Well," I say, clearing my throat and standing up as he removes the knife, "yeah."

Bakura glares at me. "Who?"

I grin. "Me." He just stares at me before hitting me over the head with the handle of the knife. "OW! What was that for? You don't have to get mad about the truth! Geez..."

"The TRUTH? You must be sniffing glue! Look at you! You're...Shit, a horse wouldn't even want to screw you!"

"(;.;) That's not nice."

"Life's like that, so shut up. Now what the hell were you doing in Yuugi's closet?"

"I was spying on Shizuka and Otogi."

"(oO) What? You freak."

(o.o) He's calling ME a freak...? Uh, okay then...

"Well, what about being at the restaurant?" He continued.

"I was spying on Shizuka and Otogi then, too."

"(oO'')...And...at the movie theater?" I didn't even know he was at the movie theater!

"I was spying on them."

"Dear Ra, you are CREEPY!"

"(sweat drop) Um, no I'm not." I put my hands on my hips and say, "You see, I'm trying to break them up so I can be the one to bang Shizuka and take her virginity and use her as my sex slave."

(Crickets chirping)

Bakura bursts out laughing. "YOU?" He laughs some more. "AND HER?" He continues to laugh.

And laugh.

And laugh and laugh and laugh.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?" I demand angrily as he rolls on the ground, laughing his ass off.

"Hehehe...Well, what have your plans been so far?" I told him about the movie theater, the restaurant and how I was going to ruin the candles so Otogi would look like an idiot once the place lit on fire. Bakura snorted and stood up, rolling his eyes. "You imbecile. First off: you should have known that Katsuya would like Barbie. Second: HOW THE HELL DID YOU DRINK THE WRONG GLASS OF WATER? Third: how were you planning on getting out of the closet without being noticed or burned to death?"

Uh...He has a point about that last one.

"Ah, you mortals really are stupid and simple-minded," Bakura sighed with a small smile on his lips. "Don't you know that you can't break two people apart from those kinds of tiny schemes? They have to elaborate and make a woman hate him beyond all imagining!"

"(o.o) Oh...Oops."

"You have to have elaborate disguises, not like the ones you had!"

"Oh..." Boy, do I feel stupid! "Um, what were YOU doing at those places?"

"Trying to figure out a plan to kill Otogi, what else?"

"(OO) Can I...ask why?"

"(GLARE) Because I have to listen to that stupid girl talk about 'Oh, Otogi is so wonderful, I love him, blah, blah, blah' six periods a day, five days a week. And then, if I see her on the weekends, I have to listen to her because she WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE."

"Um..."

"But," Bakura held up a finger, "now that I think about it, if I killed him, she would be crying all that time and sputtering how GOOD he was and all that shit. Therefore, Honda, I am going to help you break them up." He gave a triumphant smirk. "You should feel lucky. Do you?"

"No, actually I feel kind of sick..."

X

DIS: Now Bakura's in the race to get Otogi away from Shizuka! Will Bakura's plans go any better? Well, we'll have to see, won't we? Please leave a review on your way out, I'd like to see what y'all think of this. Ciao!


	4. Idiot!

DIS: Yay, thanks to all of those who reviewed. Yes, I think we are all very glad that it's Bakura's turn! Well, here's the long-awaited fourth chapter!

X

_Idiot!_

So...here I am...sitting...on a bench...in a park...with Crazy-Evil-Psychotic-Bastard.

C-E-P-B is better known as Bakura.

Who scares the shit out of me.

Who probably wants to rape me.

Who has been stalking me these past few days.

Who I am now unwillingly stuck to.

OH, GOD!

When I put it like that, it really does sound crappy. I mean, the guy made me jam myself into these leather outfit with a weird skirt to cover my bulge, had me wear a long, brown wig, and dark, square sunglasses as part of my disguise. He, on the other hand, got to wear something relatively normal: all-black, a skullcap, and circular, tinted sunglasses. I mean, why does HE get to look like an aspiring artiste and I have to look like a hooker?

……………………………………

I mean...Okay, YEAH, these leather pants my ass look damn nice, but the skirt covers it AND my delicious bulge. (sniff) Every guy would be admiring it.

"I don't want to wear this skirt!" I complain for the second time that day. Bakura glares at me through the glasses. Otogi and Shizuka are taking a walk out on the park today and we are going to make Otogi look like an idiot by asking really hard questions and maybe even screwing him up so that he sounds like a dirty bag-hoe! (cackles) I can't wait! (creepy ass grin)

"If you say that one more Ra-be-damned time, I am going to shove these glasses so far up your ass, you'll be BEGGING for more!"

(O.O)

"D-don't you mean, begging me to stop?"

"No, you see, Honda, you're a fag, therefore, you won't want me to stop." Bakura's face suddenly twisted in disgust. "Ugh, I did NOT need that mental image."

I blinked and thought for a moment before shuddering, "UGH! Me neither!"

"Shut the hell up." I pouted and then frowned.

"I really don't want this skirt. I want to show everyone by big bulge and my nice ass!" Bakura raised his eyebrows and snorted. "What? Oh, you're jealous, that's why!" Of course, how could I be so BLIND? Bakura didn't want to look at me because he'd get turned on because he's gay and was secretly jealous because he's not as big as me! It's all coming together now! I only wish I had thought of this sooner.

With this realization, I placed a hand on Bakura's shoulder and he turned to stare at it. "I understand, Bakura," I said. "It's okay, though. I know how much you want me." I sighed, running a hand over my chest. "I mean, who wouldn't?"

"Don't make me vomit!" Bakura shoved me away and then punched me in the jaw. "I don't think even Kaiba would want you and that's saying a lot."

OW! I already punched MYSELF in the jaw when I was in Yuugi's closet. Why did he have to go and do that?

"Wait...What's wrong with Kaiba?" I whimpered, confused and slumped on the ground.

"Have you LOOKED at that thing?" He demanded. Thing? Thing? Kaiba's a THING? Oh-my-God, I knew it was too good to be true! No wonder he seems so cool! He's a THING, not a HIM or a HER. Wow...What amazing knowledge I have. I'll tell Jou later.

"I just thought he was majorly cool."

"COOL? Pff, puh-_lease_, bitch. That guy probably stuffs his clothes to look good. His hands are way too thin and his head – the tallest head on the history of the earth. I mean, it's bigger than Yuugi's. We're talking face _and_ hair, here."

"(oO) Aren't you exaggerating it a bit?"

"(-.-) No, now shut the hell up. I think Stupid and her Tight-Pants boyfriend are coming along."

(o.o) Tight-Pants? Is that supposed to insinuate something...?

As soon as Otogi and Shizuka were a few feet from us, we moved in front of them as he rehearsed.

"H.I.," I spelled, giving a charming grin. "H.O.W.R.U.?"

"Keep it up with the retarded look," Bakura whispered with a smirk.

(;.;) I wasn't trying to look retarded...It was supposed to be suave.

"How would you like to try your luck at being an honest, intelligent, Japanese male?" Bakura asked in a fake British accent. It was a good accent, actually, probably because of Ryou. Wish I had an abiou...Two me's. The world would be so much better! We'd have another sexy-ass guy in the world.

"Ooh, I love honest, intelligent men!" Shizuka chirped, batting her eyes up at Otogi. "He is sooooo smart!"

"GOOD," Bakura interrupted before Otogi could disagree. "Are you ready?"

"Well," Otogi slowly said, "I guess."

"Good," he repeated. "Now...I will give ten – no, ELEVEN, because it's uncommon - questions. What is your name?"

Otogi blinked and then looked suddenly confident. Ha! He's so dumb! "Otogi Ryuuji."

Aww...I didn't think he would know that one. (sighs) I certainly didn't when Bakura asked _me_.

"What is your age?" Bakura continued.

Okay, this one has GOT to stump him!

"Sixteen!"

Damn. I didn't know that one, either.

"What is your nationality?"

This is REALLY hard.

"Japanese!"

(-.-) Okay, now he's just pissin' me off.

"What is a girlfriend's name?"

(rolls eyes) Well, DUH. It's Shizuka, even I know that.

"...(o.O) Wait, _a _girlfriend's name?" Otogi stuttered. Shizuka's smile froze in place and she raised her eyebrows at him. "Uh...Sh-Shizuka." Bakura frowned.

"What is your best friend's name?"

"Pegasus!" Otogi proudly proclaimed. UGH! That guy is almost as scary as Bakura. I'm afraid he would come after me with an ass probe and try to get up there. And when I say ass probe, I mean the one CONNECTED to him. (shudder)

"What is the place you are currently in?"

"Um, like...country?"

"Um, like," Bakura mocked, "the place?"

"(sweat drop)...Asia?" Bakura glared menacingly.

"Yeah, okay, you got it right."

Wow, I thought Otogi was stupider than this, but he's gotten all of them right! The only one I got right was the question about the best friend...

"Now..." Bakura said. "What is the capital...of SPAIN?" OOOH, this is, like, one of the hardest ones!!

"(o.o) Why did you say it like that? It's Madrid. Everyone who's looked at a map knows that."

"(-.-)..." Hehehe, Bakura is getting pissed off now. I think he's going to hit Otogi here soon. But this isn't working! (bawls inwardly) Shizuka is smiling like everything is cool and like she loves him more than anything in the world. SHE IS MINE! WHY DOES SHE LOOK TO HIM LIKE THAT? THAT'S MY LOOK! I DESERVE IT! ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!! (cries)

"Um, your friend is crying," Otogi told Bakura uncertainly. I sniffled pathetically and Bakura turned to him, punching me in the gut. "(OO) I don't think that helped!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Bakura snapped while I crouched on the grass. Owwww. I knew I shouldn't have partnered up with him. He gets scary when he's mad.

(pause)

WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING? HE'S _ALWAYS_ SCARY!!

Bakura grabbed Otogi by the collar. "YOU READY FOR THE HARD QUESTIONS??"

"(sweat drop, sweat drop, sweat drop) Um, y-yeah..."

Huh. Shizuka is standing there, smiling, looking totally oblivious...(grin) It's SOOOO cuuuutee! I just wanna cuddle with her, she's so adorable! Hee, hee!

"ALRIGHT, get ready to be DEFEATED!" Bakura declared, releasing Otogi and jumping back. "Who wrote _The Death of the Hired Man_?"

"(o.O) Robert Frost."

"What caused President Nixon of the United States' downfall?"

"The Watergate affair..."

"GRR...How about THIS, then? Solve this with permutation: how many ways can a committee of 3 be chosen from 9 students?" Bakura looked smug, and now that I was standing up, I was feeling pretty confident, too. NO ONE could do that without a calculator, certainly not Otogi!

"504."

Bakura twitched. "Is he right?"

I did it on the calculator. "Er..."

Bakura exploded into Arabic, startling Otogi and Shizuka, and even me. I mean, who would think he would get so mad over something so small?

Well, he calmed down after three minutes of Arabic and then gave a fake, CREEPY smile to Otogi. "Okay. Last question."

"(sweat drop) Great..." He mumbled.

"Yay!" Shizuka cheered. "You're so smart, Otogi!"

"What are the names of your stalkers?"

"(OoO) I have STALKERS?"

Bakura slapped him. "DON'T ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION! Now give me the names, fag-boy!"

"(x.x) I...I don't _know!_ I'm a FAILURE!" Otogi sank onto the ground and started crying. Bakura and I smirked.

"Oh, don't be like that, Otogi," Shizuka reassured. NOOO, SHIZUKA! HE IS CORRUPT! HE'S FAKING IT TO GET INTO YOUR BED!! "It's going to be fine."

"B-but someone's stalking me, Shizuka, and I can't even tell you their names. I don't deserve to be your boyfriend."

Boy, this worked out better than I thought it would!

"How about this, Otogi?" She suggested. "Tell me that special place that makes me moan when you touch me there."

(O.O)

"You know the answer to that?" Bakura muttered to me. I shook my head numbly. "If he does, YOU'RE the failure."

NOOOOOOOO!!

Everyone ALREADY calls me a failure! – And I'm not!

"Oh," Otogi sniffled. "It's your – "

(BLACK OUT)

I groaned as someone kicked me.

"Get your lazy ass up, it's time to make a new plan," Bakura's angry voice spoke above me. He had changed, it was dark out, I was still in my leather outfit, and my love and ugly Otogi were no were to be seen.

"What happened?" I mumbled.

"Like the idiot you are, you fainted." Bakura smirked. "But then, you ARE a virgin."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" I screeched, jumping to my feet. Bakura was still smirking, the dirty little asshole. "I read," I stated, "in a book that if you have masturbated, that means you are having sex and therefore, after you have sex, you are no longer a virgin. So. I am not a virgin." I gave him a triumphant grin while he just stared at me, a little incredulous. Ha. He's jealous!

"Yeah, but your tiny thing has seen a hand. And my big one...Well, it's actually seen the interior of a woman, let's put it that way. Jealous?"

"I'm debating on whether I should hit you or not."

Bakura snorted. "Hit me and I knife you. And I won't be taking you to the hospital, either."

X

DIS: A few perverted parts, dumb parts, and pissy-but-sexy Bakura parts. But hey! This is the longest chapter yet! Just as carelessly written as the rest, too, hehehe. I love Honda's reaction to what Otogi was about to say. (smirk) Bet you guys were all wondering what spot he was talking about, too, huh? (cackles) Please leave a review on your way out telling me how you liked it. Ideas are always taken into consideration. Ciao!


	5. Juvenile Delinquents!

DIS: Well, I didn't have inspiration for this for the longest time and, er, I had other stories that needed to be updated. In any case, here is the next chapter, so I hope you enjoy!

X

_Juvenile Delinquents! _

Gee, the sun sure is bright. I wish I could look away, but Bakura told me to stare at the sky for awhile and tell me what I saw. Something hit my head, making me fall over. I groaned and looked up, seeing stars and colours swirling around. I could hear Bakura asking, "Idiot! What did you see?"

"The sun...Now I see pretty stars and tie dye colours...And Saturn. I can see Saturn floating around like an angel. Tee-hee."

"Dear Ra...I would almost prefer to be working with Katsuya. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND PAY ATTENTION!" I felt my head being smashed against the ground and everything disappeared and I was seeing dirt. Huh...Wonder why that is. Then something occurred to me!

"YOU'RE RUINING MY HAIR!!"

"Good, maybe you'll look less like a parallelogram and more like a human being." His foot removed itself from my head and I scrambled to my feet, shaking my face of the dirt. "Hmm...You look more like an animal right now."

"THAT'S BECAUSE I HAVE DIRT ON MY FACE!" Pause. "Oh, and up my nose, too. It's kind of unpleasant." Bakura gave a disgusted expression, but merely turned away, folding his arms. "So, um, Bakura, why are we skipping fourth period to stand out here? We'll get caught if we don't hurry up. Ooh, maybe you can distract then while I run away! I always have detention..."

"Fool! I will not endure detention for your sake and neither will I kill a man for you just so that I don't get detention. No, I have decided that we must sink low on the scale of things. To break Stupid and her equally stupid boyfriend...We are going to be juvenile delinquents!" He smashed a fist into his other hand, but I could only stare at him blankly. What was he talking about? He acted like I should know what he was telling me. I have noooo idea.

"What are those?" I asked. "Are they a fruit? They sound like a fruit. Or a disease. Is it a disease?"

"Shut up!" Bakura snapped, turning to glare at me. There are glares and then there are BAKURA glares. The only other glare worse than him is from Yami. You never see him do them, but when he DOES...(shudder) It's scary. "Look it up in the dictionary, I'm not your mother or your English teacher! ...Or your dictionary. You don't need to know what it is, anyway, all you need to know is the plan I have devised that will take place in this school so that we can _kill_ them."

"I thought we were going to break them up." Bakura frowned at me.

"Isn't that what I just said?"

"(o.o) No...No, it isn't."

"Oh...Well, that's what I meant." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I'm so used to planning to kill a person. This is all very new to me."

"That's okay, it's new to me, too." I clapped him on the shoulder, beaming, and he looked at the hand. "We can do anything if we work together."

"You got that out of a Harry Potter book, didn't you?"

"You read Harry Potter?"

"No, but your friend, Anzu Mazaki does, and she quotes it. From I gather, it's all about friendship and teamwork and bullshit like that." He brushed my hand away. "And don't ever touch me that way again or I'll gut you and eat your innards."

"(OO) Dude, I barely touched you!"

"I don't care. You're slime compared to me, got it? Slime that crawled up from the sewage, got lost, and tried to pass as a human being and failed, but because you can't find your way back, you have to live your farce of a life. In short, you are slime. Period. No questions, comments, or concerns can be addressed to me."

"Um...Okay." I scratched the back of my head. "So, which sewage did I come from?"

"No one knows. You're too stupid to remember."

"That makes sense. No wonder I can't get back home."

"...You really are an idiot." I blinked. I didn't say anything, though, because he called me an idiot all the time. I was thinking it was more of a pet name than anything. Deep down, I think he likes me. Nobody can hate me. After all, I'm too cute. Ahh, it's hard being as smexy as me. "Now, here's the plan..." Bakura cracked his knuckles, smirking. "You are going to start a fight with Otogi and show him who is more powerful. The only thing you can do well is fighting, anyway. But if that fails, we are going to sink to even lower levels to make Stupid disgusted with him."

"But I already tried that."

"No, you didn't, now shut up. Let's go back inside and remember what your part is."

"Yes, I've got it!"

Well, we went back inside and went our ways. Luckily enough, I saw Otogi coming down the hall and with a grin and a bright expression, I ran towards him. "Hey, Otogi!" Who would think I would be glad to see him? So, I punched him in the face and beat him up when a teacher came out and separated us.

"WHAT THE HELL, HONDA!" Otogi roared at me.

Yay, I beat the shit out of him! But I now I'm getting detention...After all that careful sneaking around so no one would think I was skipping class and I get detention! (sniffle) They can't put sexy me in detention. It makes me unhappy. Beautiful people can't be unhappy! It's just not right!

X

"You beat him up, then?" Bakura asked me.

"Yep."

"Perfect! And what did the girl say?"

"What girl?" I asked, confused.

"...The girl," Bakura's voice was low and his eyes turned dark.

Uh oh. That can't be good.

"Which one?"

"WHICH – " He began angrily and then let out a long breath, calming his expression. "Wasn't his girlfriend with him when you fought him?"

"Um...No, Shizuka wasn't there. I was on my way from outside and he was alone in the hall, so I jumped him." I gave a proud grin. Only I would take a man unaware like I did!

"THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF BEATING HIM TO A BLOODY PULP?" Bakura practically screamed. Geez, overreacting a bit, isn't he? "You were supposed to humiliate him in front of the girl and show her how weak and what a pansy ass he was! Instead, you took pleasure in beating him up when no one else was around and when he least expected it. You're a FAILURE. You're going to work on the streets all your life – even fast food restaurants won't hire you! You really ARE slime! SLIME!"

"Gee, Bakura, I can always try again."

"Oh, like that will work! Now we have to do something different. You ruin all of my plans!"

"(x.x) But – "

"You wouldn't let me have Mokuba's soulless body in Duelist Kingdom, either, and attacked me and threw the Ring over the edge of the castle!"

"Oh, well, yeah, but I – "

"I bet you would have leapt over the duel arena to strangle me in the Battle City finals, too, wouldn't you? You just like to fight for no reason! Now because of YOUR blood thirst, we have to sneak around like criminals to ruin their relationship." Bakura clenched his fists angrily. "I want to be recognized for my evil genius! I want everyone to boast about me and fear me and love me. I'll never have enough! I want attention! Attention!"

(o.O) Okay...

You know, I thought he had lost his mind before, but now I know that I just witnessed him losing his mind. Maybe he's going to kill me so he can have attention – or rape me. I know how much he wants me. It's obvious. (GASP) MAYBE HE'LL DO IT ON A PODIUM AND EVERYONE WILL SEE ME CRY AND SCREAM!! OH, THE HUMILIATION!

"Why are you hitting the ground down there?" Bakura asked me in a growl.

"NO MORE EMBARRASSMENT!" I screamed. "I've already shamed my family! I can't let people beat me down again! I have no self-esteem..."

"(-.-) Do even know what that word means?"

"Not really."

"THEN SHUT UP!"

"(;o;) You make me suicidal."

"That's nice. I did it to my abiou, too. I'm moving up in the world!"

...He really does scare me.

X

DIS: Yeah, a bit of a short chapter, but at least I updated, haha. Anyway, please leave a review before you go, telling me how you liked it. Ciao!


End file.
